Chapter 1, Rough Draft : Novel Existence

{ Chapter 1 (tama?)}

His eyes were the same as those I had dreamed of night after night and day after day for as long as I could remember. My heart would plead with the empty silence of night crying for a person who I was uncertain existed. His eyes were warm, gentle and very real. I wanted something that would never exist; something that would always be at the tips of my fingertips but never be within my grasps . I thought at first I might be delusional. thinking this can’t be real what did I ever do to deserve this. Whatever I did, I want to do it again over and over gain so that this feeling never goes away so I never have to leave this reality, I don’t what to wake up form this dream from this euphoria. For once, I let down the walls that held my emotions in reserve and they came out like a floodgate and now I feel again it’s wonderful and scary and sad all at the same time. I had no idea how much emotion I had chosen to just ignore. It was like I did not feel at all. His eyes are all I can think of so soft, sweet and kind. Could this person I made-up in my mind exist? Could this person I wanted so badly without even understanding exactly what it was, be real? Every day in every thing I do, I would yearn desperately with my soul to feel true love. Yet, I would never speak a word of it to anyone. It was a secret desire that I spoke only to the night in the darkness. My only fear was that I would not be able to love back. I was so numb from the past, I thought no one cared. I thought I would never be irreplaceable to someone; that no one would ever love me like Romeo loved his Juliet. Like Darcy had to have his Elizabeth. That’s all I wanted in the world is to be loved like that and I looked into his eyes and I saw it - the real love - the kind people die for. Maybe it was a dream maybe it was all in my mind. Did it really happen? Maybe I’m losing touch with reality. If I am, I love it. Please let it be real - I prayed to my self. My eyes were still closed. I was afraid to open them worried it would be a dream. Please not another dream; please don’t let me be dreaming. I want you to be there when I open my eyes. Please be there when I open my eyes.
“I will.” His deep soft voice responded to my internal thoughts though he never knew what I was thinking he must have seen it on my face.
My eyes flew open looking around widely seeking the face I was sure did not exist. There he was. All 6 feet of him; so strong; so confident; so beautiful; his deep chocolate eyes so perfect; so warm. He was truly mine, made for me knowing everything without having to ask for he knew my mind better than I did even the things that I didn’t know yet.
“I exist. You are not dreaming.” His voice was soft, sweet and reassuring.
My arms beckoned him to my side. “I was so afraid, so afraid to open my eyes. I thought you would not exist and that I would just be dreaming.” The tears started to fall so fast that they could not stop. The fear and the sadness that I had pushed back for so long all came out in that moment of sweet relief.
“Shh…” his voice soothed gently. His hands were on my face wiping the tears holding me in his strong arms “its okay I’m not going anywhere, at least, not yet.”
“Things like this don’t happen to me. You don’t understand. This is just impossible how? Why? Why me? Why did I get so lucky what makes me better than any other ordinary person?” I looked at him with pleading eyes. What must he think of me?”
His look turned serious for a moment as he stared at me. “You wanted it more than any person alive with everything you are. You wished and longed for me...” his voice broke off and he looked away.
“I had no other choice but to come to the voice that was calling me. The pull of the gravity of your emotion was so strong” his soft words and hands caressed away the tears and the sadness. His presence took away the void that I had felt for so long. I thought that I would live my whole life that way. From my mind to paper he became a dream. Then by some miracle he was real, standing right there in front of me like a man from a romance novel like my own perfect Romeo. I knew I didn’t deserve it, but I wanted it so badly that I was willing to be selfish. I wasn’t sure how long it would last. I still wondered if I wasn’t dreaming. I wanted it to last forever. I would not press my luck; I’d never had good luck so I wasn’t going to ask for more. For now, his being here with me was enough for how ever long that might be. I tried to tell myself that I was okay with this but deep inside the idea of having to say good bye tore me apart. I wasn’t going to think about goodbyes. I wasn’t going to think about anything but him and the time we had together right now no matter how short it might be. Every precious second I would savor was enough. It was more than I deserved; more than I ever hoped I would get.
“You know…. I don’t know how long this will last…” His voice trailed off. His tone was a little bitter echoing with deep sadness. He knew - like I did - that this was impossible. He did not really exist even though he was here standing next to me with his arms around me. He was a man I had drawn on paper.
“I know …” was all I could mange to say. He knew what was troubling me and it seemed to be on his mind to.
“I feel like a kid who got his favorite candy, even got to taste it… but now he has to give it back he could only taste it and not ever really have it.” His deep chocolate eyes were so sad it almost broke me in two. I thought it was bad for me. It must be worse for him.
“You know it’s not fair.” His voice was angry now. He clinched his fist in frustration. Holding back the anger that he felt at not being able to do anything about the way things are. He sighed in frustration and then his eyes turned really sad as he touched my face.
“Better to love and lose than never have loved at all. Right?” his eyes felt like they could rip a hole in my heart with all the sadness I saw there.
“You were made for me from my own hands; from my own mind. How could I ever find anything else that would remotely make me happy?” I wanted to see him smile again. That made me happy. The sadness I saw in his eyes was unbearable.
“Technically I don’t exist remember?” He pulled away this time the pain in his eyes was unmistakable.
“How can I possibly make you happy? Do I even have the right?” The question was aimed at himself more than it was at me. He started to pace restlessly pondering the complexity of the situation and the enviable truth that he was not real but here he was standing there talking to me.
“There must be something we can do?… There must be some way to explain what happened? Why am I here?” He continued to puzzle over the situation out loud.
I could not even explain what happened last night. It was pure magic - the kind I thought did not exist. I was sitting there drawing him again like I always do - his face, his eyes, and the love I see. I see his prefect figure and then the back ground and then suddenly like some one had lifted the blindfold from my eyes, I realized how stupid I was. I was in love with a drawing of a man that did not exist. I started crying like I had never cried before. I was crying because I was sad. I was crying because I hurt. I was crying because I was alone. I was crying about the fact that I would never find him. I was crying at the unfairness of life. I was angry; so angry and bitter that just one thing I wanted - one simple thing I wanted - would not be mine. Nothing ever went my way but this was different. This was something I wanted more than anything else; more than air; more than I wanted to live. I decided that was it. I would not take this wretched life. I do not want all the hurt, the pain, the horrible people and even the people who just didn’t care. I did not have to tolerate any existence that meant I would be alone and unloved. I threw the picture I was drawing across the room as far from me as I could. Like it was some disgusting object that I could not stand - instead of the carefully drawn affectionate soul mate I imagined. I grabbed the most poisonous household items I could find and mixed them like a mad scientist. I was mad. Mad with pain at the unfairness of life. There I was sitting; crying unable to handle another one of torment and pain from the wrongness of life. Nothing would have stopped me at that moment. Yet, before the container could touch my lips, I felt the touch of a hand on my shoulder and the words “I wouldn’t do that if I were you … I’d miss you just a little too much.” A first, I thought I was dreaming and I thought I must really be insane. The container touched my lips lightly. Now only fear stopped me. What was it like after this? Would it be any better? What if not? Then what? Then, before I could finish negating my fears and actually swallowing the home made concoction, a gentle but firm hand pulled it way. I was numb. Too dazed to comprehend who and what had happened. I don’t know how long I sat there stunned that I had actually had tried to kill my self. But eventually I became aware of a warm strong embrace that was gently brushing his fingers through my hair rocking me ever so slightly. I whipped around the shock suddenly gone. “What the hell?… What are you doing in my apartment?… How did…” I broke off suddenly. The color was draining from my face. He was exactly the same as my picture down to the clothes he wore. An understanding dawned on me followed by disbelief. I ran to the picture. It was blank where once a man had been staring out with loving eyes. Now that man stood in my apartment with a puzzled look on his face and sad eyes. I was officially insane – that was the last thought I had before I passed out. He must have carried me to bed that night because that is where I awoke this morning thinking about what had happened. I still could not believe how close I’d come to just giving up on life altogether. I’m really glad he stopped me. It would have been really stupid. My mother, who never wanted anything to do with me, would always say that I was just too sensitive and that I need to just toughen up. Another pang of pain crept to the surface at the thought of my parents. They hated me. Well at lest that’s what I thought. I’d moved out when I was very young, insistent on getting married. They did not agree with my decision - thought it was too hasty - they were right but the damage had been done. The words, the hatred, the arguing, and now we never speak. They had wanted me to go to collage and not get married. They said I needed more time to find out what I wanted. I think that they were wise. I was just so stubborn and so naïve. I suffered for it every day since yet my parents still won’t talk to me. That’s one of the reasons I was so sad. I had no family. No one was there for me when things got hard. No one to talk to about the decisions I need to make. No one was there to comfort me when I was sad. Sometimes I felt like a silly child who just wanted to crawl into bed with mommy and daddy and cry. It was stupid. I knew it. But sometimes life was that bad that it felt good to just feel like a child for just a couple of moments and not have to worry. This year had been exceptionally rough for me. I had a horrible break-up with my boy friend. I had been so in love but he had never loved me. The truth brought another sharp pang of pain. I had just shut off my feelings for so long I did not what to think about it at all. The words of my ex-boy friend rang in my ears like a bad dream
“I’m 99.9 % sure that I never want to be with you again, you’re so emotional” that’s what my ex had said. I would never forget it. How could I. It was so cruel. It had broken me so badly that I feared that I would never recover. It was three months before I stopped crying - until I started drawing the man from my dreams - a man who did not technically exist. I had dreamed of him every night since my separation. Last night had been the best sleep I had gotten in months because he was there. My beautiful dream with his arms wrapped around me holding me tight my one and only love - the man I had created from my mind. His beautiful face dark hair and chocolate eyes were there in front of me peering up into my eyes with curiosity.
“What are you thinking? You look so sad, but beautiful” his voice so soft, so utterly caring. He truly wanted to know what was wrong. How could anything possibly be wrong with him there in my apartment? He was the one thing I had wanted. Nothing was wrong. I realized for the first time in a long time that I was sad about the things that bothered me but I was happier and more content than I had ever been in my entire life. Just by having his beautiful face right there, asking me what I was thinking. I suddenly smiled tracing fingers across the contours of his soft face.
How could I possible be sad with the one thing I wanted standing right next to me? My fingers continued to trace the lines of his face softly relishing the reality of his warm skin under my fingertips. He was mine, and completely for me. He existed for no one else but me. The door buzzer blared loudly startling me out of the foggy haze of affection I had drifted into. Panic flashed across my face. What would happen if Jenny found him here? “Oh my gosh, I completely forgot!” I gasped out loud. “Jenny is coming home tonight… What is she going to say about a half naked man who suddenly appeared out of no were in my apartment? She is going to think that I am mentally unstable if I tell her the truth.” The buzzer blared again and with shaky hands I pushed the call button. “Hello.” My voice cracked.
“Come on Learia .. It’s me. It’s really cold… Let me in” It was just like Jenny - sassy and to the point. I pressed the buzzer and let here in. I sighed deeply. Now would come the hard part. I waited for her footsteps out side the door. I could feel him standing behind me; watching me. I know he could feel how tense I had become. The door opened and in walked Jenny. Her hazel eyes flashed in the cold, her brunette hair soft and flowing down her back. She wore a silk knit hat that was blue and gray and a long black coat with a colored scarf - none of it was matching. That is a collage student for you. They wore what they could find. She looked at me and smiled weakly “I forgot my key… I’m sorry.”
“That’s okay. It was just a good thing I was home or else you would have been in trouble.” I responded waiting for her to notice the tall dark beautiful man that was right behind me with his hands on my waist. His eyes were intent on her wondering what she would say.
“Well don’t just stand there telling me what you did this weekend.” She implored.
As she began to take her coat and shoes off and put them in the coat closet, I still waited for the remark about the man that was now holding me sheltering me away from anything she might say. I waited for the disapproval, but it never came. In fact, it was like she could not see him at all. I glanced up at his face puzzled. “What are you looking at Learia?” She asked miffed by my abnormal behavior. Reality washed over me like a tidal wave. She could not see him. He only existed for me. No one would be able to see him. This could become complicated in so many ways. What do I say? I don’t want her to think I am insane. “Nothing just a little distracted - had another bad day… You know.” I improvised. She seemed to understand with the answer. My eyes never left her and I felt his arms wrap tighter around my waist as he followed my every step never letting go.
“You know I should have killed him for what he did to you. You were so in love.” She broke of momentary not sure if she should say more “it wasn’t fair… you still love him don’t you?” it wasn’t really a question more a statement how could I tell her the truth of why I looked a mess that for the first time in my life I really was happier than I had ever been. My man that was made just for me was here in my reality though no one but I could see him he stayed silent almost as though he knew it would better to say nothing
“Actually that’s not really bothering me any more” I responded to her statement - uncertain really what to say. “It’s been really rough for you. But it will get better.” She comforted and quickly went to hug me. Her arms went right through his as though he wasn’t there, but yet I could feel him. I could touch him. Horror hit his and my face at the same time as he realized just what implications this had on him really not existing except in my reality. She pulled away and I quickly collected my composure before she started to ask more questions about why I was acting so strange. “Umm I got an assignment I got to get done so I’ll be in my room.” I excused my self from her still concerned imploring face. Both of us retreated to my room and I quickly shut the door and turned on some music.
“What are you doing?” His face was so prefect and puzzled as he looked at me incredulously. “What are you doing?” He asked again. God he was so cute. His face, his eyes - even when he wasn’t smiling - I just wanted to kiss him over and over again.
“The last thing I need is Jenny to see me talking to myself – well, what would appear to her as though I was talking to my self.” I shot him a look of frustration.
“She can’t see you. She can’t touch you. Only I can. Do you know how insane this is going to make me look?” I started to pace. I rubbed my forehead in concentration. What would I do?
I already hear her talking to her friends that she thinks I should go talk to someone about my problems. She already thinks I’m a mess. Now this is going to make it worse.
He just smiled at me watching me ponder the craziness of what this meant.
“Yet here I am. How long will I be so? How are we going to work this?” He was past the problem identification stage and thinking how to handle the situation. “It’s evident we need to make some rules so this won’t become complicated” he suggested.
“A name. You need a name. You don’t have a name. Do you?” I looked at his chocolate soft eyes and his soft black hair, his rich dark skin. God I was so lucky a man so perfect made just for me even with the problem, he was still real to me and that’s what mattered. “Tama, that’s what I want to call you.” I said shyly. A little embarrassed it was the name I loved the most. It was the name of the most romantic man ever created by fiction - well at lest in my mind. Tama was the most romantic - definitely up there with Romeo and Darcy.
“Then your Tama I will be. Only yours; forever.” His words were filled with fierce affection and devotion. They made my heart race stupidly. Suddenly I felt a little dizzy. Never in my whole life had any one said anything like that and actually really meant it. His eyes told me what his words could not convey. I could not even comprehend the feeling I was feeling at that moment as I looked into his eyes.
“You want something to eat?” Jenny’s voice snapped me out of this dream that was so real. I really was delusional - that was the only explanation. I was definitely in need of some help. This is what they would call schizophrenia. I was seeing some one who did not exist. If I was schizophrenic then why could I be so rational and how can I touch him and how can he touch me. This feeling was not something the mind could fantasize. I sighed and got up. I went to the door and opened it. “I’ll be there in a minute. OK?” I called back to her as I closed the door. I walked over to my fabulous delusion of a man with questions in my eyes. I kissed his forehead. “You stay right here!” There wasn’t any negotiating the fact. If he started kissing me or talking to me while I was eating, I would look really confused because the effect he had on me was undeniable. His fingers turned my skin into fire. His voice made me feel calmer. His closeness made me have hard time breathing. Everything I thought I’d never feel with a man. Everything I read about in romance novels but never felt. His face was disapproving. “That’s not fair.” He whispered dissatisfied. “Come on? You at least got to let me think of how I’m going to mange this whole situation. You owe me that.” My voice was pleading slightly. He needed to understand why. I did not need to be institutionalized. “I got to go.” I mouthed as I opened the door and left him there with a dissatisfied expression.
“Hey, thanks for dinner. You want me to take care of the dishes?” I offered. I could tell she was tired, yet still she was trying to make me feel better. I didn’t deserve such a good friend. She was all I had left when it came down to it. She was so good to me. I could never repay her for all she had done, for everything she had helped me through. I sat down at the table. I must have looked a mess because she had made my favorite food in the world - sushi with avocado, tomato and shrimp. Suddenly I realized I was starving. I had so much drama last night I had passed out before I had had dinner and now it was almost dinnertime again.
“That would be great. I’m kind of tired today. I think I’ll go to bed early if you don’t want to hang out that is?” I shot her a look of sympathy. She’d just had to study for her final exams and I could tell she had been winding the night hours in preparation for her test. “Nah, you look really tired. I think that you could use some sleep.” My real reason made me feel a little guilty. I really wanted to spend time with Tama. But I wasn’t about to say that out loud. Just as I started to bite into my first piece of sushi, brilliant fire shot through my skin making me quiver with delight There he was standing behind me with his arms lightly around my arms. I looked up into his face. My anger dissolved when I saw the longing in his eyes. He didn’t like to be alone. I should have known I made him. That must have been torment to tell him to just wait there for me. “Quiet.” I mouthed to him silently. Jenny turned around just at that moment and smiled as she sat across from me. “You know I was thinking.” She paused uncertain whether she should continue. Finally, after a moment of internal struggle, she gathered her courage. “I was thinking there is this guy I know. I think you would really like him. We should hang out sometime.” The words hung pensive over the table waiting for the answer. I sighed. Why now of all the times does she bring up guys? “May be.” The answer was all I could manage. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, yet now that I had Tama, would I ever really need a real man? I laughed at that thought. Jenny’s face lit up. I could tell she was excited. Maybe that was not the answer I should have given. “You mean you’ll think about it? I’m so happy, I thought for sure you’d just say no. I mean… after everything that happened with Blaine.” The name sounded in my ears and coursed through my vines. The pain came first, then the anger, then the feeling of complete desolation. Tama’s hands gripped tighter around me restricting my movement. I could not see his face. I wondered if he was angry at my answer or maybe he felt the way my body changed at the mention of my ex’s name. I never said his name. It just made me think too much. For the longest time it had hurt too much to even think it. I didn’t dare glance up to see his face to see his reaction. “It’s not a yes, I’ll think about it Jenny.” I did not want her to get the wrong idea, which seemed to be exactly what she was doing.
“Oh okay” she bit her lip nervously. “Let me know if you change your mind. OK?” She got up, rinsed her plate, and quietly went to her room. Only when I was sure she was gone did I look up into the glorious face of my own Tama. “What do you think you are doing?” I snapped at him. His face crumpled and he looked away. “I didn’t want to be alone.” His voice broke. “I need you close to me.” The thick undertone to what he said made my insides twist in aguish I should have known. I softly pulled his face back to mine so I could look into his deep smoldering eyes. “You are forgiven.” I paused, tracing the line of his chin. “I’m sorry I should have known.” His eyes were hungry with longing as he looked down at me. Yet I could tell he was holding back his affection towards me for some reason. He closed his eyes and just sighed. That’s when I knew something was wrong. I did not know then, but the gnawing in the pit of my stomach started at that moment. This relationship was not natural. This was not real. Yet, why did I want it so damn much? Why was I refusing to see that I’d lost all touch with reality? Why did it feel so absolutely right? This is what I wanted for so long, wished for every night, why suddenly did I feel like maybe I should not have been allowed to be so happy? I felt like I shouldn’t have been allowed to have something so unnatural. Even though the feeling in my stomach told me I would have to pay for my selfishness. The only thing I could do is keep wishing that it would never end. Essentially all humans were selfish. I knew that as well as every other person so therefore I was justified in my actions. Still even with this knowledge, I could not help but feel guilty. Guilty that the whole world had some how formed the one and only wish I had and given it to me. I got up and started on the dishes. Tama helped. He was silent as he washed the dishes and looked at me with those hungry eyes as though he wanted to say something but he knew it was better not to speak. Afterwards I forbid him on penalty of banishment to Wait while I had a hot shower - though I ached to have him there, the embarrassment of having him in the bathroom with me was too much to even think about. I was a shy creature by nature. The steam relaxed away the stress and my mind started to clear. I would just have to make some rules. This would work. I’d make it work because I wanted it. I sighed in contentment. Closed my eyes enjoying the bubbles and steam.
“You know you really are cute and sexy when you are covered in bubbles.”
His voice was like honey - rich and thick - it felt like each of his words were caressing my body. Though he didn’t move an inch, his eyes were a fire almost wild as he took in the curves of my exposed body. Shock hit me like a slap in the face. I almost screamed in horror at the sight of him in the bathroom right next to me with his face inches from my own. But I chocked the scream back lest Jenny would freak. “What the hell are you doing here?” I asked my face white with fury, horror and embarrassment all tangled together.
He backed up slightly at the expression on my face. “I… umm… you…” He fumbled with the words he was trying to say. He gulped nervously. “You fell asleep.” He broke off waiting for fury to rain upon bracing himself visually. When I just looked at him with comprehension dawning, he continued. “I got lonely and worried. It’s been almost an hour.” His eyes were a mix of hunger, sadness, and longing - all at the same time as he spoke. I sunk deeper into the water and the now pathetic bubbles that were remaining. The water was cold. I shivered - my face red with embarrassment. He looked away and there in front of my face was a towel. “I’ll wait for you in your bedroom. Try not to fall asleep again, okay? Or else I’ll have to come get you.” He mumbled the first part quietly but the last part sounded something like a threat that he really wished would happen. As soon as he left, I stood up and wrapped my self in the towel he gave me. I was cold. I should have torn his face off for daring to come in while I was naked but I could not get the look of tender wild longing that had raged in his eyes out of my head. His eyes had excited me and embarrassed me at the same time. I shook my head trying to get the picture of his face out of my mind. I breathed deeply trying to calm myself. Why did I get so exited? Life was going to be interesting. I quickly put on my pajamas and went to my room where he lay waiting for me on my bed.
You may want to conclude the chapter here since that would keep the reader guessing what might happen next.
His arms reached for me in the darkness. I went to him snuggling as close as I could get. He ran his fingers through my hair gently. His eyes never left my face. “I like this.” I mumbled as the sleep started to steal away my focus and wrap me in its peaceful state.